If you hold a grudge about everything others do whether right or wrong, you may be the toxic person in the equation. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. Dont you know thats where he was going. Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. Dont make excuses for this idiot! Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. Across, the hall, down the street, around the corner is just too close for comfort. This happened a few times several years ago. I already walked away more than two months ago. Haley Laferney is the Graphic Designer at Reach Out Recovery and a graduate of Ringling College of Art and Design. It's understandable. *Whenever you think of your ex, write a To-Do list of pleasurable things you want to do for yourself to take care of yourself. I see him now and again in passing and we are polite but quick, and he knows what he did. And yes, it is very much like an addiction. He does not deserve the relief he thinks he will get from having a conversation with you wherein he manipulates you to be a kind and loving person forgiving him of all his transgressions, allowing him to move into the future without a guilty conscience. But at last he has left and I am fine! NC 100% is the only path I need to be on. Practice empathy. . It didnt try to forgive him, I got on with life and it just happened. I think part of me has always wanted to have some sort of exit conversation and I let him know somewhat indirectly in my text that I was interested in an apology.
A speech will be ineffective, or worse, an ego boost for him. She has been told over and over that she cannot treat people the way she treats them and not have consequences. To me forgiveness is not making some epic thing about how she wronged me and making her somehow see that. Carry on!! For your own emotional health at such an early stage of a break up dont do it. My life has become SO much better since he left. You, also have a bonus in the pages of the book that makes you live your success by doing a seemingly trivial thing. I certainly do have amnesia when I conveniently forget about all the hurt that he has caused me and continued to cause me before I went NC and could get a clearer perspective. 4. You can't force someone to forgive you. I was misguided and blind. For some reason young women feel they have to tell the jerk how hurt they are by what he did. If hes so happy with her why bother calling you?). I sent a couple of texts telling him in effect what he did and that it was still not ok or forgotten. Im not calling her again. Yesterday I had watched this ridiculous episode where the girl was trying sooo hard to get one of the nerds to sleep with him, and I just kept thinking, WHY? If I dont keep reading the blogs and referring back to the No Contact Rule book that I downloaded, I can easily go back to my amnesia, not only about this relationship but also the ones in my past!! Thats when it becomes a real wake up call, when your kids know better than you do. I hear you. So glad youre out of that horrific situation. When you show up authentically and choose to be more you, people being themselves allows you to filter out the wrong relationships and say yes to the right ones.Dont forget that my book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Please, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want, comes out this month. It gives me hope that when I leave this house physically I will have the same sense of relief. Dont have to make a big scene, just not be free to meet up as often. Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. Then, I thought, Why the hell should he think I am now or will ever by ok with what went down? It bugs me that I give a hoot what he thinks. CC, I laughed when you said he reminded you of the guys on Big Bang Theory. I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. Its not fair to use another as a buffer to get over the ex as you will become a user and an AC. Remember your boundaries. Its like my old AC all over again. This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here. Well. that I was not OK with acting like friends and that he should have had the guts to tell me it was over instead of disappearing. DGzCarbon Do you think I am using the past bad situation to colour my impressions of this guy? Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels. Note from the examples: It breaks my heart a bit. information submitted for this request. In my opinion its ALL there when you look behind the curtain. I am very up front with him too. You go through pain, you cry, you obsess (withdrawl), some time goes by without. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. I wrote this before I read some of the other posts about forgiveness. Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. You can control how much, you get to say when and how much. You won't forgive her. To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Normally, when things do not work out, I just endure the pain but try to move on. The first two differences is the use of satire. Yet, I cant go on hurting myself. Everyone thinks he is an absolutely fantastic husband, and I was lucky to have a man who was taking his kids here and there, putting out the bins, growing loads of his own veg, always smiling. Write a reverse thought that sends the power back to you (for example, if youre focusing on your exs harem, write about how there is nobody who is exactly like you in the world. Probably just enough self respect to pull me away from 9+ months with a sociopath. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. Ironically it was me who introduced him to most of the people we know. CC, I just read your comment. Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are, Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. LavendarHow many adult men do you know who brag about bedding sluts and loose women but in reality respect/like women and are monogamous and faithful? It is like stepping on a piece of gum and not being able to move forward without that bump on the bottom of your shoe. This is just what I needed to read today, so thank you so much, Natalie. I like to be a generous, supportive and caring person and this was exploited because I actually never got the care, respect, affection, appreciation and cooperation/teamwork I wanted and worked so hard for in the relationship. Text book I tell you. Looking into the reasons why forgiving is not easy. You think. Focus on self care and the respectful boundaries you deserve. So, instead of braving the nasty weather to spend hours with people that I dont really want to get to know, I stayed in with a glass of red and watched a movie and had a lovely time! I guess it is because I cannot make sense of what happened. Lose valuable and enriching connections with others. Well, I dont know if his red flags are as red as my exs so maybe Im not really seeing red Oh, you are seeing red and he even told you very directly that he has red flags. Others need to move to forgiveness in their own time. Also, misspoke about 77it is 707, as you said. You might not think that's what you're doing, but it very well could be. I did the right thing at first by going no contact for a year. you are special. Mummys boy I had 9 mo r.ship w b4 ex now deceased AC re-entered my life, sent me a facebook friend request y.day. What makes someone do that? Im a grown up now and have just moved on. Ready you should be celebrating! I no longer feel he is even my father. And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for' and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow 'shoulds' laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. Thanks a lot for your insights, they are always appreciated. Also, if he were just bragging (I think 15 year old boys do this but grow out of it), what is your assessment of someone who needs to brag like that? can not afford to buy the book please contact Nicholas and he will give you a free copy.) I was in the waiting room of my specialist when tht little gem arrived by text, & cut him cold. i know I am a jackass. I havent posted for a while as I am doing pretty damn good, finally told him that I would not tolerate any more contact after he had said I was his friend and always would be.ahem I said, I am an ex who you cheated on, who you then asked to be the bit on the side to your new woman and who you then bullshitted about wanting to get back together withthat every word out of his mouth was a lie and I did not need or want someone in my life like that, not even as a friend and that there had come a time in my life where I had to say no to being crapped on and I was doing it now.so yep nothing heard from him in the last 7 days, long may it last but even if it doesnt I finally feel for the first time in 9 long months that I have the backbone to just ignore him now and I will no longer bury things deep like I was asked to everytime he had a bit of assclown behaviour. That means different things to different folks but if hes trying to touch you up for a bit on the side or fun at your expense, feel free to flee away! I knowtime heals all wounds. It was one of the factors that kept me trying to believe in my exs good intentions so earnestly expressed while he just kept on doing the same old thing and treating me in the same old way. The only reason he wants to contact you is to make HIMSELF feel better. document.getElementById( "ak_js_2" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); document.getElementById( "ak_js_3" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Sign up for our newsletter and receive our top articles RFC I think you already have the information you need, he said he feels suffocated in a relationship and he wanted FWB. But when he comes to get our son by the time he drops him off later in the day he hovers asking how im doing acting all caring. I hope you feel better soon. Its natural to miss your ex but you have to believe you can do so much better than someone who does not want a relationship. Getting It!Sorry for all typos in above post & this one, doing this by phone. Yeah, people pleasing. He had told me he and his very long time gf had broken up. That lasted three months, until my Grandmother died. Ive tended to do this on a more superficial level with friendships than with more intimate relationships. And my ex is sort of like yourssmiley and nice, genial and willing to help. I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. Hard to be alone. Grudges are a learned response. Sending love and hugs your way. I forgive my ex who was abusive. : a feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair. Your child may not see him in the same way as you and children (especially boys) do have a strong need to be around their male parent. That way he cant send you any! I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. Our gut, our minds, and even our hearts may be signalling that we should leave things alone and apply what weve learned into moving forward but then our inner critic pipes up with, Dont be a heartless beep beep!